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Being in my own world.

As most nineteen year olds, and everyone else at some point in their lives, I’ve been terribly confused as to what I want to do for the rest of my life and have felt baffled at the question of who I actually am as a person and how I fit into the world. One thing I knew for sure was that I needed to be exploring my imagination and growing my creativity. But was never entirely sure how or if I was even good enough or capable to do so. But something I’ve only learnt recently, with the help of so many wonderful and kind souls, is that I don’t need to complicate life and myself so much. I just need to know that I am enough. Simple. I need to trust that the path I’m on, no matter how puzzling it all may seem, as it is leading me to where I need to be. 

In recent days, I’ve found myself realising that the mundane and monotonous idealisations of reality is sometimes something that I don’t always understand and struggle to be apart of. I always thought I was different to a lot of people for not thinking the same way as they did or for wanting to do things differently in life but not having the connections or confidence to do them. And for a while I didn’t even know what those things were; and possibly still don’t but that’s okay. 

For a long time I’ve been in my own world. A world that used to be filled with vibrant ideas and picturesque aspirations but it got clouded by shadows and scraped by stones and left me in a dark and distracted place. But now that I am on a journey of healing, I am rediscovering perhaps what makes me happy and what brings me fulfilment and bliss. And possibly what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. And part of that includes writing, photography and making films.

I believe that I look at the world with a different perspective to some. The other day I became aware of the fact that I had watched a lot of films throughout my life, especially during my childhood. When I was younger, I would obsess over different character’s lives and aspired to be an actress (while having the confidence of a shoe). I didn’t realise that it wasn’t the acting that I was craving but the ability to create a world of escape; something different than the life of my own that I was living, but I didn’t know how. And now I feel like I do. 

I think I’ve always looked at my life and everyday experiences as a film, my eyes taking the position of a camera lens and my eyelashes fluttering like a shutter. The unknown, peripheral dimensions of my sight creating endless frames I wished could resettle onto a screen, mixing with palettes of motions. I sometimes struggle to be present as I would have the indescribable, overwhelming need to capture everything and make it into something even more beautiful than it already is. I blink my eyes and create a film still. 

I wish to go on adventures, both inside and outside of my mind, and to immerse myself into the alluring depths of reverie. I want to connect with creatives that share the same visions and dreams as I do and to constantly surprise myself with what I am capable of doing. I hope to for these aspirations to become my reality and to be constantly learning and blossoming through the ever-changing progression of life, aesthetically captured through words and motions. 

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3 Comments

  1. Paddy says

    What an insightful, meaningful article. This is Very readable. Keep going Steph. You really are very talented in so many ways.

    Like

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